Clarkson Quotes

Quotes from the top man himself, brace yourself for total non "pc compliance" as Jeremy lets rip with some of the best quotes collated from is column and TV Shows:

"A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster."

"All this health and safety talk is just killing me."

"Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don’t, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition."

"Americans are good at herding Bison. The end."

"Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are."

"Column writing is like gas – it fills the available space."

"Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians?"

"Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun."

"God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

"Hollywood movies are designed for -year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal."

"I don’t think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I’m not."

"I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

"I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: ‘Can we borrow yours?’ and he said, ‘Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.’ "

"I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing."

"I therefore have to use The Force. And weirdly, this doesn’t work very well. I don’t understand why, because on the last census, I put my religion down as Jedi Knight..."

"I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!"

"I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God."

"I’m a horse of a man!"

"I’m not only in touch with my feminine side, I’m in touch with my gay side as well."

"I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."

"If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that’s a cool way to die!"

"In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."

"Italy’s youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they arebut that’s because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages."

"Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you’re going."

"Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously."

"Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."

"Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would."

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face."

"Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig."

"Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is he’s called the Stig."

"Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius."

"Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less."

"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you. "

"Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the Ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze."

"The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a -seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."

"The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian."

"The public" seems to have bought into this belief that life can, and should, be run without risk, that all accidents are avoidable, and that death is something that only happens to people who eat meat and smoke.""

"There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on."

"There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!"

"This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory. "

"This is a hard job. Change gear, change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That’s a lot of effort in a day."

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."""

"Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow."

"We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging."

"We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras."

"Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off."

"You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal."

"You’re a car, but most of all, what you are, what you’ve become, is a mate. And that’s what makes a car special. That’s what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it."